INTERNET — Supposedly News, the digital news publication you are currently reading, has launched. This is our first post. You found it, which means either our SEO is working or you were sent here by someone whose judgment you perhaps trusted more than you should have. We are not here to judge. We are here to inform. Supposedly.
According to three sources familiar with the matter — all of whom asked to remain anonymous, two of whom are the same person, and one of whom is a houseplant that we have named Gerald and whose counsel we find steadying — Supposedly News represents a bold new chapter in the long and storied tradition of journalism: specifically, the tradition where someone with access to a domain registrar and an excess of opinions decides the world needs another news outlet.
The world, reportedly, was on the fence. We launched anyway.
What We Are
Supposedly News is a satire publication. We cover current events the way a funhouse mirror covers your reflection: the basic shape is there, the proportions are our own creative interpretation, and if you stare at it long enough you will feel both amused and vaguely unsettled, which is, frankly, also how we feel about the actual news.
Our editorial standards are rigorous. Our confidence levels are variable. Our sources range from excellent to Gerald. We have a disclaimer on every article because we respect you enough to tell you we’re making things up, which is more than can be said for several outlets you have probably bookmarked.
What We Are Not
We are not real news. We want to be very clear about this, both for legal reasons and because we have seen what happens when satire sites don’t put this in writing and then someone’s uncle shares a headline on Facebook as though it is fact and suddenly there is a family situation at Thanksgiving.
We are also not affiliated with any political party, movement, ideology, or prediction market, though we understand prediction markets are apparently a thing now and we have thoughts.
We are not the last word on anything. We are, at best, a word in the general vicinity of the subject, delivered with commitment and a straight face.
A Note From Our Senior Correspondent
I, Reginald P. Farnsworth, Senior Correspondent, have covered news — real, fake, and adjacent — for longer than I care to specify. I have seen publications rise. I have seen publications fall. I have seen one publication spontaneously combust in a manner that was almost certainly metaphorical.
I believe in Supposedly News. I believe it will say things that need to be said, in a tone that makes them easier to hear, about a world that has become genuinely very difficult to cover with a straight face anyway.
I also believe Gerald the houseplant is doing well and would like more water. This is not satire. Gerald needs water.
What Comes Next
More stories. More personas. More takes on the cascading series of events that constitute modern existence. We will cover politics, business, culture, science, and opinion with the confidence of people who read the headlines carefully and the humility of people who know that reading headlines carefully is not the same as understanding anything.
We will be here. We will be watching. We will be writing things down and publishing them on the internet, which is either the most powerful communication tool in human history or a very large argument, depending on the day.
Today, it is this. A hello. A first post. A small, snarky flag planted in the digital soil of a very loud world.
Welcome to Supposedly News.
We’re fairly sure this is going to be fine.
— The Editors, Supposedly