Today is March 10th. Written numerically, it is MAR10. MAR10, as anyone who has seen a calendar since 1985 and also played video games eventually notices, spells MARIO. This is the entire premise of the holiday and it holds up. Some premises are simple and correct. This is one of them.
On this day, the internet celebrates Mario — full name Mario Mario, a designation confirmed by the 1993 film that we will not be discussing further — the mustachioed, red-hatted, Italian-accented plumber who has, over the course of four decades, saved a princess approximately thirty-seven times, defeated a giant turtle with geopolitical ambitions, repaired the structural integrity of no fewer than eight kingdoms, and done more visible infrastructure work than any elected official currently serving in a legislative body that has had an infrastructure bill pending in some form since approximately 2009.
Douglas Allegedly would like to be clear: this is not a partisan observation. Mario has not registered with a party. Mario does not caucus. Mario has, on multiple occasions, worked directly with his former adversaries — including Bowser himself, who has appeared as a playable character in no fewer than twelve Nintendo titles — suggesting a capacity for bipartisan cooperation that the United States Senate has not demonstrated in recent memory.
Mario simply identifies a pipe that needs fixing and fixes the pipe. He does not form a subcommittee to study the pipe. He does not table the pipe discussion until the next session. He does not ask for a rider on the pipe bill that has nothing to do with the pipe. He jumps on the pipe. He goes in the pipe. The pipe is fixed. He moves on to the next pipe.
This is called governance. It is available as a model. Nobody has taken it.
The Mario Infrastructure Record, For Reference
Mario has, across his documented career:
Repaired or traversed pipe-based infrastructure across the Mushroom Kingdom, World 1-1 through 8-4, inclusive. Maintained functional bridge connections despite repeated sabotage by a large reptile with opposable thumbs and a castle budget that suggests significant liquid assets. Operated public transit in the form of karts, which run on time, have no cancellations, and offer a rainbow-themed express route that Congress has never once appropriated funds for. Rebuilt castles. Crossed lava. Addressed flooding. Operated underground systems that, while confusing, are consistently navigable with practice and do not require a fare hike every eighteen months.
He has done all of this while wearing overalls, which is more than can be said for the people currently in charge of the pipes.
The Political Career That Never Was
Mario has been asked, over the years — in interviews, fan forums, and the occasional op-ed by columnists with too much time and too many gaming opinions — why he has not run for office. The Mushroom Kingdom has, after all, a functional if unconventional government. Princess Peach holds executive authority over a territory of meaningful size. Toad serves in what appears to be a combined administrative and service role. Yoshi functions as both transportation infrastructure and a loyal constituency.
Mario has declined every such suggestion. He is a plumber. He fixes what is broken. He does not hold press conferences about what is broken. He does not release a seventeen-point plan for fixing what is broken and then not fix it. He identifies the broken thing, approaches the broken thing, and interacts with the broken thing until it is no longer broken, at which point he moves to the next world.
His approval rating, estimated by Supposedly News based on no verifiable methodology, is higher than Congress’s. This is not a difficult bar. A Goomba walking in a straight line has cleared this bar. The bar is on the floor. Mario has been jumping over things significantly higher than this bar since 1985.
The Bipartisan Consensus
MAR10 Day is one of the few cultural observances that produces genuine bipartisan enthusiasm. Republicans like Mario. Democrats like Mario. Independents like Mario. People who have never played a video game in their lives have a vague positive association with the red hat that has nothing to do with any other red hat and everything to do with a plumber who jumps on turtles.
This is rare. Douglas Allegedly recommends savoring it. The next time the country agrees on something this cleanly may be a while.
Happy MAR10 Day. The pipes need fixing. You know who to call.
Douglas Allegedly is Opinion Editor at Supposedly News. He has completed Super Mario Bros. He has not completed the infrastructure bill, because nobody has. He is aware of the irony. He is saving it for the next world.