EDITOR’S NOTE: Everything in Yolanda’s header above that describes the actual Artemis II mission is real and documented. Artemis II launched April 1, completed its lunar flyby April 6, experienced a documented 40-minute communications blackout behind the far side of the Moon, and the crew did in fact eat maple cream cookies during the blackout, per NASA’s own mission blog. What follows is a fabrication. Yolanda knows the difference. The cookies were real. The discoveries below were not. The far side of the Moon does not contain KitKat bars to our current knowledge. Yolanda would like this noted before she proceeds.
HOUSTON / THE FAR SIDE OF THE MOON — At approximately 6:41 p.m. EDT on April 6, 2026, the Orion spacecraft carrying NASA astronauts Reid Wiseman, Victor Glover, and Christina Koch, along with Canadian Space Agency astronaut Jeremy Hansen, passed behind the far side of the Moon — the side no human has ever directly seen from Earth, the side that never faces us, the side that Pink Floyd named an album after and that has been, until yesterday, the exclusive province of unmanned probes and scientific speculation.
For 40 minutes, the four most isolated humans in the history of the species were completely cut off from Earth. No communications. No telemetry. No Mission Control. Just four astronauts, one spacecraft named Integrity, 4,067 miles of altitude above the lunar surface, and, per NASA’s official mission blog, maple cream cookies.
What NASA did not include in the mission blog is what else they found. What Yolanda Tippington is about to tell you comes from a source she cannot name, via a communications channel that does not officially exist, transmitted from 252,760 miles away through the lunar radio shadow, received by a dish in Goldstone, California, that technically wasn’t pointed in the right direction, interpreted by a signals analyst who will deny this conversation happened, and delivered to Yolanda’s desk in a manila envelope that smelled faintly of maple cream.
Discovery One: The Stolen KitKat Bars
They were there.
All 413,793 of them. Arranged neatly on the floor of Vavilov Crater — which, Yolanda notes, is a real crater that the Artemis II crew photographed and which NASA has described as “an impact crater on the rim of the older and larger Hertzsprung impact basin, none of which can be seen from Earth” — stacked in their Formula 1-shaped packaging, batch codes facing outward, waiting.
“Commander,” Mission Specialist Koch reportedly said, peering through the Orion window as the spacecraft arced over the far side, “I’m seeing what appears to be… a very large quantity of chocolate.”
Wiseman confirmed the sighting. Glover photographed it. Hansen, being Canadian, immediately identified the batch codes.
“Those are F1 KitKats,” Hansen confirmed. “I recognize the mold. We have them in Canada. They’re very good.”
The crew unanimously agreed they could not retrieve them during a flyby mission. They also unanimously agreed that whoever left 12 tonnes of stolen Italian chocolate on the dark side of the Moon ahead of Easter had planned this very specifically, and that the batch codes were intact, and that Nestlé’s investigators might want to look up.
Yolanda has forwarded the coordinates to Nestlé. Nestlé has not responded. The European investigation remains open. The Moon is 238,855 miles from Earth on average. This is farther than Poland.
Discovery Two: The Epstein Files
In the shadow of the Orientale basin — a 600-mile-wide crater that straddles the Moon’s near and far sides, 3.8 billion years old, one of the most dramatic geological features in the solar system — the crew observed what appeared to be a filing cabinet.
A standard four-drawer, legal-size filing cabinet. Gray. Slightly dusty, though less dusty than one would expect given that the Moon has no atmosphere and therefore no wind erosion, which means the dust must have been placed there intentionally for effect. The top drawer was labeled: “EPSTEIN — DO NOT LOOK AT THESE.”
The second drawer was labeled: “SERIOUSLY.”
The third drawer was labeled: “WE MEAN IT.”
The fourth drawer was labeled: “CLIENT LIST — ALL COPIES.”
Commander Wiseman attempted to photograph the cabinet. The camera malfunctioned during the specific five seconds the cabinet was in frame and then resumed normal operation. Mission Control, which was not receiving transmissions at this point due to the communications blackout, has no record of the cabinet. The cabinet is not visible in any of the official NASA imagery released after the mission, though Yolanda notes that the official imagery does not cover 100% of the far side surface area, and that Vavilov Crater and the Orientale basin are roughly 1,000 miles apart, and that the filing cabinet was reportedly in between.
The crew ate their maple cream cookies. The cabinet remained where it was. The blackout lasted 40 minutes. When communications resumed, the crew reported “color nuances” on the lunar surface, which Mission Control received with “grins, nods, and lots of chatter,” per NASA’s official account. Yolanda considers “color nuances” to be the most efficient summary of a gray filing cabinet labeled DO NOT LOOK AT THESE that she has encountered in her career covering science.
Discovery Three: The Capybara
The English zoo capybara — the one that escaped on its first day and has been at large in the English countryside since March 20 — was located on the Moon’s far side at approximately 7:03 p.m. EDT, four minutes before the crew’s maximum distance from Earth of 252,760 miles.
It appeared to be fine. It was sitting in what the crew described as “a shallow depression, possibly a small secondary crater, with adequate shade.” It looked at the spacecraft. The spacecraft looked at it. Hansen, who has been to space, said it was “the most surprising thing I’ve seen today, and I just broke the farthest-from-Earth record set by Apollo 13.”
“How did it get here?” Koch asked.
Nobody answered. The capybara does not answer questions. The capybara never answers questions. The capybara has been on the Moon for approximately 17 days, which is 16 days longer than it was in the English zoo, and Brent Eyewitness has noted in a follow-up communication to Yolanda that this tracks with the capybara’s decision-making history and that it clearly had a destination in mind when it left the zoo and the destination was farther than any zoo expects a capybara to travel on day one.
The zoo in England has been notified. The zoo in England’s response was: “We did not anticipate the lunar option when we reviewed our perimeter security.” This is fair. No zoo has anti-lunar capybara protocols. This is now a gap in the industry.
Discovery Four: The Iran Peace Deal’s 15 Points
In the Hertzsprung basin — nearly 400 miles wide, one of the crew’s designated science targets, visible from no point on Earth — the crew observed a large rock formation that, upon closer examination, appeared to be arranged in a deliberate pattern. Numbers one through fifteen. Each number carved next to a stone the size of a briefcase.
The stones were arranged in a circle. The center of the circle contained a single stone labeled “Point 16: Applebee’s.” There were no other markings. There was no attribution. There were no signatures.
The crew photographed all fifteen briefcase-sized stones. None of them could read the text on the stones from 4,067 miles altitude. Koch noted that the arrangement “appeared purposeful and recent, which is interesting given that ‘recent’ in lunar geological terms means anything in the last 3.8 billion years, but this looked more recent than that.”
Mission Control, which had reestablished communications by this point, asked the crew to “describe what you’re seeing.” The crew described it as “15 rocks and an Applebee’s stone.” Mission Control replied: “Copy that.” The conversation did not continue. Yolanda considers this the most diplomatic non-response in the history of deep space communications.
Discovery Five: The Reiner Gamma Swirl, Explained
Reiner Gamma is a real feature on the lunar near side — a bright, mysterious swirl visible from Earth whose origin scientists have been trying to understand for decades. It was on the crew’s observation list. They photographed it. The scientific community will analyze the photos for months.
The crew also observed that, from 4,067 miles altitude, in the specific lighting conditions of the April 6 flyby, Reiner Gamma looks exactly like the Domino’s logo.
“It’s… it’s the dots,” Glover said, per Yolanda’s source. “It’s got the red background and everything. Like it’s been there the whole time and nobody noticed.”
Hansen agreed it looked like the Domino’s logo. Koch said she was “professionally obligated to note that pareidolia — the tendency of the human brain to identify familiar patterns in random stimuli — is a well-documented cognitive phenomenon and does not constitute scientific evidence.” She then agreed it looked like the Domino’s logo.
Wiseman said he wanted a pizza.
The Orion spacecraft does not have Domino’s. The spacecraft does have maple cream cookies. The crew ate the cookies. Reiner Gamma continues to be a mystery. Scientists have described its origin as possibly related to ancient magnetic fields. Yolanda considers “ancient magnetic fields” and “Domino’s branding” to be equally well-supported explanations at the current state of the evidence, and files this with appropriate scientific humility.
The Artemis II crew is currently heading home. Splashdown is scheduled for April 10 near San Diego. The filing cabinet will still be there. The capybara will still be there. The KitKat bars have individual batch codes. The 15 rocks have no attribution. The Domino’s swirl has been there for approximately 3.8 billion years, which is a long time to set up a brand partnership but not unprecedented in geological marketing.
Gerald the houseplant was shown the far side photos. Gerald oriented toward the monitor. Gerald could not confirm or deny the filing cabinet. Gerald has no comment on the Applebee’s stone. Gerald is in his terracotta pot, 252,760 miles from the Moon, and is doing fine.
Yolanda Tippington, Science Correspondent, filed this fabrication with zero confidence and 252,760 fake sources — one per mile of the crew’s maximum distance from Earth. The Artemis II mission is completely real: the April 1 launch, the April 6 flyby, the 40-minute blackout, the farthest-from-Earth record (252,760 miles), the maple cream cookies, the Vavilov and Hertzsprung craters and Orientale basin, the Reiner Gamma swirl mystery, Christina Koch becoming the first woman to complete a lunar flyby — all real, all documented. The KitKat bars on the Moon are not real. The Epstein filing cabinet is not real. The capybara is real (still at large in England) but not on the Moon. The 15 rocks are not real. The Domino’s swirl is Yolanda’s pareidolia. Happy to go to space. Have a break.