SAVANNAH RIVER SITE, SOUTH CAROLINA — Today, April 25, 2026, is the birthday of Joey Smoak.

Brent is going to let that sentence stand on its own for a moment, because the sentence contains the name “Joey Smoak,” and the name “Joey Smoak” is doing more work in the Defense Waste Processing Facility than most names do in their entire careers. The man is named Smoak. He works in a facility where things are hot, pressurized, and occasionally on fire. He is responsible for diesel generators. His power anthem — which exists, which is real, which has a guitar solo — is titled “Where There Is Smoak, There Is Fire.” The name is not a coincidence. The name is a prophecy. The name showed up on Joey’s birth certificate and the universe said: this one goes to DWPF.

The Résumé, Which Brent Cannot Verify But Absolutely Believes

Joey Smoak has walked every line at DWPF. Outage to Ops. He has fixed what was broken. He has made the system shine. These are not Brent’s words — these are from the anthem, which Brent considers a primary source, because the anthem was written by people who work with Joey Smoak, and people who work with Joey Smoak have apparently decided that the appropriate way to document his career is not a performance review but a rock song with a bridge and a heroic guitar solo.

In one single week — seven days, the time it takes most people to figure out where the good coffee is — Joey Smoak rose to BOP boss. Balance of Plant. The whole plant. The balance of it. In seven days. They said it couldn’t be done, not in seven days, but Joey Smoak rose in a flash of blaze, and the flash of blaze is now managing the diesel generators, and the diesel generators are running, and the plant is standing, and the balance has been achieved, and it took a week.

Brent has covered a lot of timelines. Brent has covered the 18-month legal process of The Onion purchasing InfoWars. Brent has covered the eight months it took a man in Florida to turn his hands yellow with cheese. Brent has covered the 25 million years evolution spent removing the human tail. Joey Smoak became BOP boss in less time than it takes Amazon to deliver a package to a rural address. Brent considers this the most efficient promotion in the history of American industrial operations and is not accepting counterarguments.

The Titles, Which Are Accumulating

Joey Smoak holds the following titles, per the anthem and per the institutional knowledge of the DWPF floor:

BOP Boss. Mr. DWPF. Mr. Diesel. The Savior of the Floor. Right Hand of Potter. Master of the Art. A True Company Man, Always Real. The Name They Call When The Stakes Are Higher. The One They All Admire. The Plant’s Beating Heart. A Legend In Coveralls.

Brent has reviewed this list. Brent would like to note that “Legend In Coveralls” is a phrase that has never appeared in any other context in the English language. Poets have not used it. Novelists have not used it. It was coined specifically for Joey Smoak, because Joey Smoak required a phrase that did not previously exist, and the phrase that was created for him involves both mythology and industrial workwear, and both are accurate, and both are necessary.

“Right Hand of Potter” is also notable. Brent does not know Potter. Brent does not need to know Potter. Brent knows that Potter has a right hand, and the right hand is Joey Smoak, and this arrangement has produced a facility that functions, and the functioning of that facility involves the processing of defense waste at the Savannah River Site, which is one of the most consequential environmental remediation operations in the Department of Energy’s portfolio, and the right hand of the person running it is a man whose surname is Smoak, and Brent has once again confirmed that the universe planned this.

The Power Anthem, Which Brent Must Address

Joey Smoak has a power anthem. The anthem is titled “Where There Is Smoak, There Is Fire.” It has two verses, two choruses, a bridge, a guitar solo, and an outro. The guitar solo is described in the notation as “Heroic and Blazing.” Brent has covered sports, local oddities, roadkill deer, and a truck stop mascot that is a giant jug of urine. Brent has never covered a person who has their own anthem. Brent has never covered a guitar solo described as “Heroic and Blazing.” Brent did not know that guitar solos could be described as heroic. Brent now knows this, and the knowledge has improved Brent’s life.

The anthem contains the following lines, which Brent considers the finest workplace poetry produced in the 21st century:

“He’s got the grit, got the know-how and pride / With a stare so sharp, it’ll turn the tide.” Joey Smoak can turn a tide with a stare. Brent has not verified this. Brent does not need to verify this. If you have walked every line at DWPF and risen to BOP boss in seven days and earned the title Mr. Diesel and are the right hand of Potter and have a power anthem with a heroic guitar solo, your stare can do whatever the anthem says it can do. The anthem is the documentation. The documentation is sufficient.

“In every bolt, pump, fuse, and wire” — Joey Smoak is in every bolt, pump, fuse, and wire at DWPF. He is not a person. He is infrastructure. He is load-bearing. You cannot remove Joey Smoak from DWPF without conducting a structural assessment first, and the structural assessment would conclude: do not remove Joey Smoak from DWPF.

What Birthday Means At DWPF, Which Brent Has Considered

Most people celebrate birthdays with cake, candles, and a card signed by people who may or may not remember their middle name. Joey Smoak celebrates a birthday at a facility that processes high-level radioactive waste left over from the production of nuclear materials during the Cold War. The candles on Joey’s cake are metaphorical. The fire in Joey’s career is not. The fire is in the diesel generators. The fire is in the anthem. The fire is in the name. The fire is, if the anthem is to be believed, in Joey himself — burning bright with strength and desire — and Brent has no reason to doubt the anthem, because the anthem was written by his colleagues, and his colleagues have watched him work, and they wrote a rock song about it, and the rock song has a bridge.

Brent Eyewitness would like to wish Joey Smoak a happy birthday. Brent would like to note that this is the first time Brent has filed a birthday tribute. Brent does not typically file birthday tributes. Brent files investigations, confirmations, and field reports about things that actually happened. But Joey Smoak actually happened. Joey Smoak actually rose to BOP boss in seven days. Joey Smoak actually earned the title Mr. Diesel. Joey Smoak actually has a power anthem. Joey Smoak actually has a stare that turns tides. Joey Smoak actually fixes anything. Joey Smoak is actually named Smoak, and he actually works with fire, and the coincidence is actually too perfect to be a coincidence, and Brent is filing this as fact.

Happy birthday, Mr. DWPF. The plant is standing. The diesel generators are running. The balance is maintained. Potter’s right hand is a year older and the right hand still works, and the floor is saved, and the score is even, and somewhere at the Savannah River Site, a legend in coveralls is walking the line he has always walked, and the line is holding, and it is holding because Joey Smoak is on it.

Where there is Smoak, there is fire. And at DWPF, he lifts us higher.

Brent Eyewitness, Field Reporter, filed this birthday tribute on April 25, 2026, with a confidence level of 110% and three fake sources. Brent is aware that 110% is not a valid confidence level. Brent is aware that the Secretary of Health and Human Services would call this a ‘mathematical device.’ Brent is aware that Yolanda Tippington, Science Correspondent, would object. Brent does not care. Joey Smoak rose to BOP boss in seven days and the normal rules of mathematics do not apply to a man whose power anthem has a guitar solo described as ‘Heroic and Blazing.’ Gerald the houseplant has reviewed this tribute. Gerald has never had a power anthem. Gerald does not have a stare that turns tides. Gerald is not the right hand of Potter. Gerald is a plant. Gerald is fine. Joey Smoak is better than fine. Joey Smoak is fire.