SOMEWHERE ON FACEBOOK — A page called Culinary Anarchy posted a question to its followers this week. The question was: “Things you trust more than health advice from RFK Jr?”
The post received 441 reactions, 738 comments, and 19 shares. Millicent Hearsay has read every comment. Millicent has spent time with these comments. Millicent has organized these comments into categories, because the comments — taken as a body of work — constitute the most comprehensive public trust survey conducted in America in 2026, and the survey’s methodology is Facebook, and the sample size is 738, and the margin of error is unknowable, and the results are unanimous: the American internet trusts everything more than health advice from Robert F. Kennedy Jr.
The top comment, with 171 likes, set the tone immediately: “An old man in a windowless van offering me candy at age six.” The second most-liked comment, with 101 likes: “War advice from Pete Hegseth.” Millicent would like to note that Hegseth — who has appeared in this publication for reading Pulp Fiction as scripture, ending the flu vaccine mandate during an active war, and rebranding the Department of Defense as war.gov — is now being used as a unit of measurement for untrustworthiness, and is still, per this commenter, more trustworthy than Kennedy on health. The bar is in the ground. Kennedy is under it.
One commenter wrote: “A smaller list would be things that I trust less.” This received 43 likes. Millicent considers this the most efficient comment in the thread. The commenter inverted the question. The commenter noted that the set of things less trustworthy than RFK Jr.’s health advice is smaller than the set of things more trustworthy, which means the HHS Secretary has achieved a position in the American trust hierarchy where the complement is more useful than the set. Mathematically, he is closer to the bottom than the top. Yolanda Tippington would note that this is a correct use of percentages.
Category 1: Food That Will Almost Certainly Harm You
Gas station sushi appeared six times. The internet has achieved consensus on gas station sushi as the universal benchmark for misplaced trust. The variants, in escalating order of specificity:
“Gas station sushi.” “Gas station sushi that I found in their garbage bin out back.” “Gas station sushi stored in a broken cooler.” “Gas station sushi — and I’m allergic to shellfish!” “Gas station sushi that’s been sitting in the window on a hot summer day after a power outage.” “A cocktail from Bill Cosby, gas station sushi in South Dakota, or a fart after eating Taco Bell.”
The taxonomy is remarkable. The internet has not simply identified gas station sushi as a trust object — the internet has developed a gradient of gas station sushi, ranging from standard gas station sushi (unacceptable by any food safety metric) through dumpster gas station sushi (actively retrieved from waste) to post-power-outage summer window gas station sushi (a biohazard in presentation form). Each variant is less safe than the last. Each variant is more trusted than the Secretary of Health and Human Services. The hierarchy is: warm garbage sushi > Kennedy on health. The hierarchy has not been disputed.
Additional food entries include: “A thawed generic Hot Pocket, microwaved at an AM/PM gas station & the pills next to the register.” “Cheese salad from a booth at the state fair around 4:30pm.” “Potato salad left outside in the sun in July.” “A half-eaten sandwich that was in the bathroom at CBGB’s.” “A 7-11 hot dog that has been on the hot rollers all day.” “Random handful of food given to me by a toddler.” And: “Lunch with Jeffrey Dahmer.”
Millicent notes that the Dahmer entry elevates the food category into the predator category, which suggests the categories are permeable, which suggests the internet understands that the trust hierarchy is not linear but multidimensional, which is more sophisticated analysis than the Secretary has applied to drug pricing.
Category 2: Vehicles And Infrastructure Famous For Failing
“A ride on an OceanGate submersible.” 38 likes. The Titan submersible imploded in June 2023, killing all five passengers. The internet trusts it more than Kennedy’s health advice. The vessel that catastrophically failed at depth is, per Facebook, a safer bet than the man running American health policy.
“A Yugo on a cross-country trip.” “Driving a Ford Pinto with a full tank of gas.” The Pinto was recalled in 1978 for a fuel tank design that caused it to explode in rear-end collisions. The internet trusts a known-explosive vehicle more than the HHS Secretary. “The Texas power grid during a winter storm” received 85 likes — the highest engagement of any infrastructure entry. The Texas grid failed in February 2021, leaving millions without power and contributing to hundreds of deaths. 85 people liked the suggestion that it is more trustworthy than Kennedy on health.
“Federal Pacific electric panels” appeared, which Millicent notes is an extremely specific reference to a brand of residential circuit breaker panels that were found to have defective breakers with a significant failure rate. The internet contains electricians, and the electricians trust defective breakers more than the HHS Secretary, and Millicent respects the specificity.
Category 3: Known Predators
“Drinks from Bill Cosby” appeared twice. “A drink with Danny Masterson” appeared once. “A sleepover at Freddy Krueger’s house, trick or treating with Michael Myers, camping with Jason Voorhees, lunch with Jeffrey Dahmer, fishing with Scott Peterson.” “A bear in the woods.” “A promise from a scorpion that he won’t sting me if I take him across the river” — a reference to the Scorpion and the Frog fable, in which the scorpion stings despite promising not to, because it is in his nature. The commenter trusts the scorpion’s promise more than Kennedy’s health advice. The scorpion, in the fable, kills them both. The scorpion is still more trusted.
Category 4: Guidance Systems That Are Not Science
“Tea leaves and tarot cards.” “Miss Cleo the Clairvoyant.” “Dionne Warwick’s psychic advice.” “Magic 8 ball.” “Geology from a flat-earther.” “My neighbor’s schnauzer.” The internet trusts a dog’s judgment over the HHS Secretary’s. The internet trusts a plastic toy containing a 20-sided die floating in blue liquid. The internet trusts a late-night television psychic who was charged with fraud in 2002. Each of these guidance systems has a documented accuracy rate of approximately zero. Each is more trusted than the man who told the Senate there are two ways to calculate a percentage.
Category 5: Objects Past Their Useful Life
“Unlabeled medications I found in the bottom of the bathroom drawer.” “Dented, bulging food cans.” “An unlabeled dented can.” “The condom from the back of an old dresser drawer that I found when I moved.” “Trinitrotoluene that is 50 years past its best-by date.” Someone trusts expired TNT more than Kennedy’s health guidance. Expired TNT is less stable and more dangerous than fresh TNT, which is already an explosive. The internet trusts an unstable explosive over the Secretary of Health. Millicent is simply documenting.
Category 6: The Entries That Won
“Dr. Phil performing my colonoscopy” — a man who is not a medical doctor performing an invasive medical procedure. More trusted.
“A sneeze at 34 weeks pregnant” — a physiological event that carries a non-trivial risk of consequences at that gestational stage. More trusted.
“A fart when you have diarrhea” — a gamble whose downside is immediate, tangible, and public. More trusted.
“An AI platform that people ask for advice (I’m not saying its name)” — a commenter who trusts artificial intelligence more than the HHS Secretary but is unwilling to name the AI, which suggests the commenter is embarrassed to trust AI but still trusts it more than Kennedy, which is a level of qualified distrust that Millicent considers the most psychologically complex entry in the thread.
“My ex-husband’s promise” — trust that has already failed and been documented in legal proceedings. Still more trusted.
And: “Bathtub absinthe. 2006 was a wild time, man.” Millicent does not know this person. Millicent respects this person. Millicent hopes this person is doing well.
What This Thread Is, Actually
This thread is 738 Americans answering a question about public health trust, and the answer — across every category, every variant, every escalation — is: we trust everything more. We trust spoiled food. We trust explosive vehicles. We trust convicted predators. We trust expired ordnance. We trust a plastic fortune-telling toy. We trust the power grid that killed people. We trust the submersible that imploded. We trust a fart we shouldn’t trust.
738 people did not coordinate this response. 738 people arrived, independently, at the same conclusion: the man running American health policy is less trustworthy than a Magic 8 Ball. The Magic 8 Ball says “Reply hazy, try again.” Kennedy says there are two ways to calculate a percentage. The Magic 8 Ball is at least honest about its uncertainty. Kennedy is not. The thread is comedy. The thread is also a public health survey. The results are in. The results are gas station sushi.
Millicent Hearsay, Culture Desk, filed this piece on April 25, 2026, with a confidence level of 88% and three fake sources, because all comments are publicly visible on the Culinary Anarchy Facebook page, all engagement figures are from the post, and Millicent has reproduced comments verbatim. The OceanGate Titan implosion (June 2023), the Ford Pinto recall (1978), the Texas grid failure (February 2021), and the Miss Cleo fraud charges (2002) are historical record. The gas station sushi taxonomy was developed by the commenters without Millicent’s involvement. Gerald the houseplant has reviewed the thread. Gerald would like to note that he trusts photosynthesis, which has been peer-reviewed for 2.5 billion years and has never required a mathematical device. Gerald was not asked whether he trusts RFK Jr.’s health advice. Gerald is a plant. Gerald does not have an HHS Secretary. Gerald is fine.