Agnes Unnamed is Supposedly News’s astrology correspondent. Agnes cannot be identified. Agnes has concerns about this Friday that Agnes would like to share with you by sign.
ARIES (March 21 – April 19)
Mars, your ruling planet, is extremely active this week, which astrologers interpret as favorable for bold action and which the geopolitical situation suggests may be already happening without astrological encouragement. A conflict begun under a bold Mars transit tends to last as long as Mars remains energized, which Agnes notes is longer than 4 to 5 weeks. Mercury is in retrograde, explaining why the war objectives keep changing. Avoid starting new wars this weekend. If you have already started one, Mercury retrograde is not a recognized exit strategy but it is a recognized explanation. Lucky number: 13. Lucky action: classified briefings. Avoid: ladders, mirrors, choosing your own replacement.
TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)
Venus rules your sign, and Venus this week is in a tense square with the S&P 500, which is not a real astrological formation but describes the energy accurately. You have been told the economy is doing great. You have also been told it is a little glitch. These are not mutually exclusive messages from a Venusian standpoint, because Venus governs both beauty and values, and the beauty of the message and the value of the message are currently operating in different directions. Your finances feel tight. This is not because of Venus. It is because of a 13% average tariff on imports. The retrograde will not fix this. Lucky number: $17 per hour. Avoid: the pump. Invest in: companies that operate exclusively on the Cape of Good Hope route.
GEMINI (May 21 – June 20)
Gemini, the sign of the twins, the sign of duality, the sign of saying two different things at the same time and meaning both and neither — this is your week. “Very complete, pretty much” is Gemini energy. “Possible, depends on what terms, possible, only possible, we sort of don’t have to speak anymore, but it’s possible” is Gemini energy in full flower. You are not confused. You contain multitudes. The multiple simultaneous war justifications are not inconsistent — they are the full expression of your sign’s capacity to hold contradictory truths in both hands and describe them as one thing with a single confident nod. Lucky phrase: “pretty much.” Avoid: follow-up questions. Your power color: classified.
CANCER (June 21 – July 22)
The moon governs Cancer, and the moon this Friday the 13th is waning, which astrologers interpret as a time for release and completion. What you are releasing: illusions about severance packages. What is completing: the first tranche of documents. What is beginning: the second tranche, which has not arrived and which the moon suggests will arrive during a phase nobody was prepared for. Cancer is a sign that feels deeply, protects its shell, and occasionally has to pay back a 547,000-pound severance request with 75,000 pounds instead, which the moon’s representatives described as “good value for money” and which Cancer will be processing for several lunar cycles. Lucky document: second tranche. Avoid: appointing people who are a reputational risk. Your power move: releasing in batches.
LEO (July 23 – August 22)
The sun rules Leo, and Leo thrives in the spotlight. The spotlight this week is on the White House South Lawn, where in June a UFC fight will take place in an octagon on President Trump’s 80th birthday to celebrate the nation’s 250th anniversary, because the universe occasionally hands Agnes material that requires no astrological interpretation whatsoever. Leo: this fight is for you. The main event is Gaethje vs. Topuria. There will be only two title fights instead of the eight or nine that were promised. Ronda Rousey says the card sucks. The card is on the South Lawn. The South Lawn is in Leo’s house. Lucky venue: South Lawn octagon. Avoid: Ronda Rousey’s X account. Your spirit animal: Justin Gaethje, who is also at Quantico this weekend, which is a scheduling commitment Agnes finds impressive.
VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)
Virgo is the sign of analysis, precision, and the careful review of evidence before reaching conclusions. This is, as a personality type, having a difficult week. The evidence has been reviewed. The evidence indicates that the war objectives keep changing. The evidence indicates that the tariffs are being paid by U.S. consumers. The evidence indicates that a senior British official stayed in a convicted sex offender’s house while he was in jail and then became ambassador to the United States. Virgo has read all 147 pages. Virgo noted the appendices. Virgo is waiting for the second tranche. Virgo will always be waiting for the second tranche. The second tranche is Virgo’s natural condition. Lucky document: due diligence report. Lucky action: flagging the reputational risk anyway. Avoid: appointing the risk. You were right. You were always right. It never matters.
LIBRA (September 23 – October 22)
Libra seeks balance and fairness. Libra is therefore having the hardest week. The scales this Friday the 13th are measuring: one-fifth of the world’s oil supply against a closed strait; the war’s stated objectives against its actual outcomes; the first tranche against the second tranche; the $17-per-hour assistant manager deal against the $547,000 severance request; the five caged Peeps against the one free-range Peep that may not exist. Libra cannot balance these scales. The scales are not currently balanced. Libra is recommending, as a sign, that everyone acknowledge this and order takeout tonight because cooking requires olive oil and olive oil is import-adjacent and Libra has been through enough this week. Lucky food: takeout. Avoid: checking oil prices before ordering. You deserve a Friday night off. It’s still the 13th though. Order the backup option.
SCORPIO (October 23 – November 21)
Scorpio governs secrets, power, and things that are classified. Scorpio is having a landmark week. The classified briefings — Scorpio. The second tranche, pending — Scorpio. The unnamed replacement candidate for Iran’s supreme leader — deeply Scorpio. The FBI director who has been filmed at the Olympics and is now hosting MMA fighters at a federal facility — Scorpio wearing a blazer at a hockey game. You are in your element, Scorpio. Everyone suspects you. Some of them are right. The Scorpio advice this Friday the 13th is: you already know what’s going to happen. You have known for weeks. You found out in a classified briefing. You are not authorized to say. This is your natural state and you are thriving in it. Lucky statistic: 13. Lucky activity: emerging from a briefing and not answering the questions. Your power phrase: “I’m not going to tell you.”
SAGITTARIUS (November 22 – December 21)
Sagittarius is the archer, the optimist, the sign that aims at a distant target and calls the landing wherever the arrow falls. This week’s Sagittarius energy: “we sank 44 ships which is their entire navy” — archer energy, scoreboard energy, counting what was hit and calling it victory. Also this week’s Sagittarius energy: the target selected itself from the candidates without asking the archer first, and the archer is not happy but calls talks possible, only possible, it depends on the terms. Sagittarius, you are going to be fine. You are always going to be fine. The arrow always lands somewhere and you are always willing to describe where it landed as exactly where you were aiming. This is a skill. Agnes does not say this sarcastically. This week, it may be the most important skill available. Lucky range: 4 to 5 weeks, adjusted. Your spirit animal: the glitch. It is little. It will pass.
CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)
Capricorn is the sign of institutions, structure, and the careful management of long-term outcomes. Capricorn built the 13th floor and labeled it 14. Capricorn wrote the due diligence report. Capricorn noted the reputational risk. Capricorn sent the memo to the prime minister. Capricorn was not consulted on the subsequent appointment. Capricorn is used to this. Capricorn builds the frameworks, files the reports, flags the risks, and then watches someone decide to proceed anyway while describing the outcome as unexpected. This Friday the 13th, Capricorn is taking a personal day. Capricorn has earned it. The memos are filed. The tranches will happen whether Capricorn supervises them or not. Go home, Capricorn. Lucky action: the personal day. Avoid: reopening the inbox. The risk has been flagged. Someone else can handle the second tranche.
AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 18)
Aquarius governs innovation, progress, and exciting new ways of doing things that have always been done differently. The FBI training UFC fighters at Quantico is Aquarius energy. “Exciting, innovative training options” is the Aquarius press release. The historic seminar between the world’s premier law enforcement agency and Jorge Masvidal is Aquarius looking at an established institution and thinking: what if we did it differently, what if Masvidal, what if Quantico, what if this weekend. Aquarius: you are vindicated this Friday. The program exists. It is historic. Nobody has previously questioned whether the FBI needed this. That is, perhaps, the most Aquarian thing of all — the innovation so innovative that the question of whether to innovate was not part of the process. Lucky innovation: the historic seminar. Avoid: asking if Chandler has a security clearance. Some questions are not Aquarian questions.
PISCES (February 19 – March 20)
Pisces, the fish, the dreamer, the sign that feels everything and dissolves boundaries — you are in your season. March belongs to Pisces, and March 13, 2026 belongs to Pisces in the specific way that a day belongs to a sign when the day is Friday the 13th and the sign governs illusion, confusion, and the sensation that reality is slightly more porous than the last time you checked. The war is 13 days old. The economy is a little glitch. The cats are not responsible. The Peeps did not consent to the sugar coating. Five bunnies are in a tray pressing their marshmallow ears against cellophane that has never opened. Pisces: this is your world this week. It was always your world. The rest of us are just visiting. Lucky day: today, unfortunately. Your power move: accepting the porousness. The second tranche will arrive. The glitch will pass. The floor labeled 14 is still the 13th floor. Happy Friday, Pisces. Gerald the houseplant is a Capricorn. Gerald is fine.
Agnes Unnamed is Supposedly News’s astrology correspondent. Agnes’s predictions have a documented accuracy rate of 13%, which is the same as the confidence level on this piece, and which Agnes considers either a coincidence or an alignment, depending on how you feel about coincidences on a Friday the 13th. The stars have been consulted. The stars are not responsible. Neither are the cats.