COLUMBUS, OHIO — Derek Fillmore is in his house. He made this decision Thursday night, after reviewing the calendar, reviewing the news, and reaching the conclusion that the combination of the two constituted a level of ambient risk that he was not personally prepared to add to by also being outside.
“It’s Friday the 13th,” Derek told Millicent Hearsay by phone, from inside his house, where he was safe from all external bad luck and also from approximately eleven hours of the day that remained. “I just figure, with everything going on, why add to it? Stay home. Don’t tempt it. Let the day happen to someone who’s out there.”
Derek’s decision to stay home from work is supported by his employer’s flexible Friday policy. His employer did not implement the flexible Friday policy because of superstition. The employer implemented it because of the pandemic. Derek is using it for different reasons. The outcome is the same.
At 7:14 a.m., Derek checked the news.
The News Derek Checked, And His Response, Documented In Real Time
Derek had expected that staying home would provide a sense of insulation from the day’s events. The news is accessible from home. Derek has a phone. These facts were known to Derek before the strategy was implemented and were not fully incorporated into the strategy’s risk model.
7:14 a.m.: Derek reads that the Iran war is in its 13th day, which coincides with it being the 13th. Derek considers this “on the nose” and is not sure whose nose it is on. He makes a second coffee.
7:31 a.m.: Derek reads that Iran selected a new supreme leader that the president specifically said was unacceptable, that the president is not happy, and that talks are “possible, depends on what terms, possible, only possible.” Derek notes that “possible, only possible” is how he would describe his own Friday if someone asked him whether it was going well. He does not feel better. He drinks the second coffee.
7:48 a.m.: Derek reads about the Mandelson files. He reads the phrase “first tranche” and immediately understands that there is a second tranche, and that the second tranche is coming, and that he cannot do anything to prepare for the second tranche from inside his house or outside it. Derek stares at the wall for a moment. He looks back at his phone. He keeps reading.
8:02 a.m.: Derek reads that UFC fighters are training FBI agents at Quantico this weekend, which Kash Patel has called a “historic seminar.” Derek says, out loud, to no one: “Is that real?” Derek checks a second source. Derek checks a third. Derek accepts that it is real. Derek does not feel better but also does not feel specifically worse about this one. He finds it interesting. This is the first thing this morning he has found interesting rather than alarming, and he is holding onto it.
8:19 a.m.: Derek reads about the Peeps welfare situation. Derek has Peeps in his Easter basket from last weekend, already purchased and waiting on the counter. Derek looks at the Peeps. The Peeps are in the tray. The Peeps are touching each other. Derek had not previously thought about whether this was okay. Derek is now thinking about it. Derek opens the tray to give the Peeps more space. The Peeps do not respond. Derek feels that he has done something, even if it is not clear what.
8:45 a.m.: Derek reads the Friday the 13th horoscope for his sign, which is Libra. The horoscope tells him to order takeout tonight because cooking requires olive oil and olive oil is import-adjacent and Libra has been through enough. Derek finds this relatable. Derek looks up olive oil prices. Derek immediately regrets looking up olive oil prices. Derek puts down his phone.
The Strategy’s Evaluation At Mid-Morning
At 9:00 a.m., Millicent Hearsay called Derek to check in on the stay-home strategy’s performance.
“I’m fine,” Derek said. “I’m inside. Nothing bad has happened to me directly. I think the strategy is working.”
Millicent asked whether he felt better than he would have felt if he had gone outside.
There was a pause.
“The news is the same inside,” Derek said. “I didn’t think about that.”
He paused again.
“I did free the Peeps though,” he added. “So that’s something.”
Millicent Hearsay confirmed that opening the Peeps tray is a documentable positive action taken on Friday the 13th, making Derek, technically, the most proactively good-luck-generating person Supposedly News has spoken to today. Derek accepted this characterization. He said it was the nicest thing anyone had said to him since Thursday.
What Derek Plans To Do For The Rest Of The Day
Derek has a plan for the remainder of Friday the 13th. The plan is: not go outside. Watch something. Check the news only once more, at approximately 4 p.m., at which point most of the day’s bad luck has theoretically already occurred and is in the past where it belongs. Order olive oil-free takeout as instructed by his horoscope. Go to sleep before midnight, ensuring the day ends cleanly. Wake up Saturday, which is not a 13th and has no documented folkloric hazards, and assess whether anything Derek feared came to pass.
“Things were already like this before today,” Derek told Millicent at the close of the interview. “The war was already going. The economy was already doing what it was doing. Friday the 13th didn’t start any of it. It just showed up to an existing situation.”
He paused.
“Like a black cat,” he said.
Millicent told Derek about the black cat’s press release, in which a cat named Marzipan made essentially the same point.
Derek was quiet for a moment.
“Good for Marzipan,” Derek said. “Marzipan’s right. None of this is the cat’s fault.”
He looked at the open Peeps tray on his counter.
“I’m ordering Thai,” Derek said. “No peanut oil. Just in case.”
Millicent Hearsay covers the Culture Desk and considers Derek Fillmore the publication’s most reliable recurring source — not because Derek has special knowledge, but because Derek’s reactions to the news represent, with unusual precision, the reactions of a person encountering the news for the first time and processing it in real time without the benefit of a press pass or a prepared statement. Derek has been right about most things. He is not an expert. He is a man in Ohio who opened the Peeps and ordered Thai. Happy Friday the 13th from Supposedly News. Confidence: 76%. The Peeps are free.